A Good reason to Fail

On the last day of GP block, I felt excited and was anticipating the last few remaining hours I would have to endure at the practice. 5 weeks had flown by. Quickly yet slowly. So it was time to move onto a new block. Then, my GP supervisor, Dr C, broke the harsh news to me:

''I'm very sorry Michelle, but as a clinical supervisor, I feel that it would not be fair for me to pass you for this block''
She paused and look at me.
''The other 3 doctors and even the nurse have all given me the same feedback and I'm really sorry.''

My heart sank. My first thought was that Dr C was Joking. She didn't look genuinely upset as she told me this. But her sad gaze was fixed on me, as if she was awaiting some response from me. Nonetheless, I forced a smile and acted as if everything was fine.

She pushed a box of tissues on her table towards me.

" I know you are upset but I'm going to explain to you the reasons behind my decision. This is difficult for me as well, because I have never failed a medical student before.''

OUch.
I bit the insides of my cheeks and managed my best blank spaced-out expression. My eyes had started to glisten with tears but I stubbornly tightened my face. Somewhere inside, my inner dignity and pride told me to restrain the fighting desire to burst out in tears. I hate crying in front of people, least of all, her.

Dr C continued talking about my below average performance, the simple errors I shouldn't have made, about my tiredness and physical lethargy that was worrying, the gap holes in my clinical knowledge and the basic incompetency to formulate an appropriate diagnosis and management plan. I didn't remember much of what she said because most of the words just flew past my ear. I was still struggling to accept the crushing news. It was no use denying, I was below the acceptable standard.

''You must have received an email a few days ago. I have spoken to your Year Coordinator, Dr F and we feel that it is in your best interests that they sit down and have a chat with you, alright?''
Apparently, Dr C had phoned up the medical faculty and actually informed them about me. Gosh, I was that bad.

I nodded my head in acknowledgment and kept silent. And then I looked away and stared at the floor. Tears that were brimming on the cusp of my lower eyelids had started to stream down my face. So I grabbed the pile of tissues that had been placed on the table right beside me and hastily wiped my face. And I kept wiping my tears furiously. As embarrassed as I already was, my sobbing had quite gotten out of control.

''I'm really sorry pet. I really hope you tell the University any problems you might be facing. Tiredness or the insufficiency of the PBL system, it is the University's job to sort these things out. We are here to help support you and not make things harder.........'' Her soft voice was sympathetic.

Dr C offered to call a taxi to escort me home. It was the least she could do, because she felt horrible that the news had made me so upset. I apologized and turned down the offer. I mumbled something about thanking her for teaching me during those 5 weeks, grabbed more tissues and walked quickly out of her room. I left the GP practice on my last day with a mixture of emotions. Anger, resentment, disappointment and despair. It was neither pleasant or memorable as I liked my last day to be.

I did all my crying that day so I'm alright now. Don't worry and thanks for the concern.
So I plucked up the courage to tell my friends and family about the news a day later. And here I am, feeling somewhat sheepish and half-regretful about my decision to publicize my failure on a public domain.

Some peeps felt that Dr C may have been a tad too strict on me but I've decided that I'm not gonna bitter-bitch any more about it. On the contrary, I'm actually quite thankful that Dr C and her team failed me in an honest effort to aid my journey towards becoming a competent and responsible doctor. So I'm not feeling down or depressed, in fact, I feel great!!! (Haha, I'm not insane, don't worry).
I am aware that I am incompetent in some basic areas, so I definetely have a lot of extra polishing up to do academically. I'm looking forward to my meeting with Dr F this friday and I really don't mind repeating this block during summer next year. Could be a blessing in disguise, God's mysterious plans for me at work, well...........who knows? =)

I think the only reason why I broke down in front of her that day was because I felt so stressed. Stressed about meeting people's expectations, being a stereotyped knowledgeable hardworking 4th year medic, criticized by the world's expectations about being a caring non-judgmental christian who makes time for God, ministry, evangelism and other people's problems, stressed about my need for long sleeping hours because people usually see me as hyper jumpy and energetic.........yes, I felt overwhelmed by the world. Which made me jaded, worn out, viciously critical and harshly judgmental. What a scary combination. Truthfully told, I felt like running away from everything to avoid all forms of human contact. It was like I had enough problems to deal with already.

And I'm not supposed to be stressed am I? A non-believer once said to me how he noticed Christians had this weird feeling of serenity and calmness about them. But how am I supposed to pretend to be at peace externally when my internal mind is at war? I was stressed. And realization kinda hit me square in the face when I did my recent devotions about how Jesus fed a crowd of 5000 with just 5 barley loaves and 2 fish. And last Sunday's sermon about Pride, being in control, being ambitious, being competitive.........So I was stressed simply because I was drawing from my own strength. Trying too hard to handle things right and hence running my batteries dry. D'oh.

And its no surprise, that when anything imperfect tries to become perfect, it never fails to fail. I have to keep reminding myself that theres no perfect job, no perfect relationship, no perfect commodity/material object/sucess coz everyone (myself included) strives so hard to attain that eluding sense of true fulfillment.

So I may have taken a fall, but I'm waiting for some supernatural power to pick me up again ;)

(Hope this helps some of you out there. You think I wanted to wear my heart out on my sleeve???? Nah-uhhhhh)