First post of 2008!

The 2 questions I'm most afraid of

Now just for the record, I know that everytime I fly back to Singapore on my summer/winter break, I have 2 BIG daunting questions to answer.

1. Have you lost weight/put on weight?
2. Do you have a boyfriend...yet?

The first question is often more of statement, put in a questionable tone. My mom would be blunt and tell me to go on the weighing scale. My dad, on the other hand, says nothing at all. His bemused facial expression reveals his thoughts, "Why you keep becoming fatter and fatter?"

My aunts are less direct and more subtle. They ask me, "It must be very in Glasgow right? You eat alot over there?" or "We go to the country club gym every saturday afternoon you know, You can join us if you want. We come and fetch you."

I cringe everytime we have weekend sunday dinners at my place. Much as I love to spend time hanging out with my cousins (as I rarely get to do so when I'm overseas), I am consciously abashed by the fact that my body is being under constant scrutinization by "Everyone", who are really just my blood relatives. It doesn't help the fact that I keep getting picked on by comments of comparison to my skinny bean-pole siblings.

Larger than life? oh damn.

So what has been holding me back from going on a diet (i.e losing the massive 20 pounds)? Its not that I don't give a damn about my lipid-clogged arteries or the fact that I can't fit into my old pair of jeans. I honestly am worried that some day, I would follow in the footsteps of my dad and get type 2 diabetes. Aargh. Scrap that thought.

I look around and observe people dieting around me. OK, when I mean "dieting", I'm referring to those guilty of subconsciously estimating the calorie content of foods they have eaten, worrying at the thought of puting on weight after a hearty meal and exercise after giving in to that sinful piece of chocolate cake. They have placed so much emphasis on weight and their appearance that it practically clouds their subconscious mind without them realizing it. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that a good diet is essential for maintaining a healthy body weight. I'm just totally against the thought of not being able to enjoy food because the guilty thought of gaining weight subconsciously holds me back.

In fact, you would probably be in shock if I showed you a picture of me now and then (when I was 16). Back then, I was one of those guilty ones who gave much thought about food, exercise and weight that I couldn't enjoy eating or working out. I was trying to hard to be "uber-healthy" that my thoughts and actions were unconsciously moulded into the "must-eat-healthy and chocolate-is-bad-for-you" mindset. Eating became an unfulfilled craving and desire to be exercised with discipline. Working out was such a tire-some chore that served as punishment for slip-ups and indulgences. And as I look back and think about those years when my mind was disillusioned by the desire to be uber-healthy, I realized that I've been my own vortex, sucking the fun and happiness out of life's greatest blessings.

I used to secretly laugh at fat people because I thought they were lazy, immobile and gluttony. Never did it occur to me that I would eventually become one of those victims who got teased about their weight. The bottom line is, people become fat for a reason. Neglected obese kids whose parents are constantly not at home to be mindful of their diet, depressed people who feed on thoughts of self-loathing and insecurity, athletes/dancers who ''retire'' after years of intense training and controlled eating, couch potatoes who munch away at their desktops because they rather check their Friendster accounts than see the real world out there. (Currently, I have an inactive Friendster account...haha!) I don't think the list ends there. When vulnerable beings feel that no one is there to comfort encourage or reassure them, they take it out on themselves. I guess this experience helps me to empathize with more plump folk out there.

To answer my aunts, I just simply shrug and reply " I enjoy what I eat". Nevertheless, I still face the daunting prospect of answering that bloody question whenever I fatten up in UK and fly back to Singapore.

"Do you have a boyfriend.........(pause)..........yet?" is more often intepreted as why haven't you found yourself a bloke? To all my lovely aunties out there, why I do not have a boyfriend is completely my own business. I'm sorry to put it that way, but its really between me and God.

A boyfriend is not like some tag or label you attach to your chest to proclaim your status and availability. Neither is it an acessory on you arm to show the world that yes, I have matured and I am loved by at least somebody.

As our society perceives it, a single man or women has hasnt been in a relationship is either unattractive in one way or inactive. If you are unattractive, you are usually

1) not body-perfect

2) just not drop dead gorgeous

3) have some annoying/unappealing trait/characteristic that puts people off

There are also cynics out there who absorb themselves in their work and leave no time and opportunity for relationships. And I'm actually one of those cynics who use lame excuses to cover up for their fear of being rejected.

I know that I am, in some aspects, unattractive and incomplete and imperfect. But doesn't that apply to the most gorgeous girl out there? We're not perfect remember?

I feel that at this point in my life, I'm returning to God closer step by step each day. Getting into a relationship may distract me from climbing up that ladder. I believe that this period of singlehood is crucial for God to groom me into someone more mature (hopefully). After all, aren't solid relationships supposed to be enhancing towards God? If I throw myself into the arms of a boyfriend, I know that I would be tempted to rely on him more emotionally, instead of God. This is so easily done without most of us realizing it.

I have decided that I don't want to go out with someone on a Friday night because I have to do something to look occupied. I don't want to be kissed in order to feel particularly pretty or sexy. I don't want someone to cuddle me in order to feel truly loved. I don't want someone to buy me presents or whisper sweet-nothings in my ear because I simply can't live without his reassurance that I am on his mind. In other words, I don't want an intense but short-lived infatuation to break my heart and turn me away from God,

Its not like I'm some independent superwoman rah-rah who can fight her own battles without the aid of her bystanding prince charming. I'm not. Neither do I want to be a wailing damsel in distress who needs her knight-in-shining-armour to come galloping down the hills at the mere instance of a difficult situation. No way. I guess my ideals are kinda different because my outlook on relationships are heavily influenced by a different concept of love. Not the kinda cute puppy love you read about in celebrity tabloids or the ''idealized'' romance you see in Hollywood films.

Follow-up question: ''So what kinda guys do you like?''................

Its easy to recite a list of attributes such

• Tall (at least taller than Tom Cruise)

• good-looking (maybe not as hunky-licious as Brad Pitt, but at least better looking than Gollum)

• witty and intellectual (preferably a doctor/lawyer/engineer etc)
  

• fun and spontaneous (not dull, conventionally boring and oh-so predictable)
  

• blah blah blah (I just made this list up...hehe)
  

But sticking to my different concept of love, it can only mean that my heart goes out to someone who encourages me to read the bible, not to impress him, but Him. Someone who encourages me to go to church because I want to seek God and not because its a Sunday routine. Someone to remind me to pray for all things in life so that I can be grateful and appreciative. Someone to lend a supporting arm, not a shoulder, to help me when the path in life gets rocky. Someone who can empathize similar situations as we run the race towards Christhood. Someone who does actions rather than words. In essence, someone who loves God more than me or anything else

I know that list seems rather long and picky, but there you go, thats my criteria/so-called list. I definetely had crushes, in fact numerous :P But as for the lovely guys and blokes I've met so far, I can't honestly say I felt anything like the list mentioned above.

There is still an undeniable temptation to go out and get attached whenever I say couples around me being in utter bliss and contentment. Especially on valentines day. Man! the message that you should be attached rubs so hard in my face.

Sometimes, I question myself, do I really want to be this fussy/picky? Maybe being this fussy makes the ultimate prize more meaningful. Plus, getting in and out of relationships is just too tiring and time-consuming. So as much as I am tempted to jump into a relationship just to make myself feel more ''desirable'', I stand firmly on my ground with my so-called list of criteria.

To all those (annoying) aunties who question me as to why I'm not attached....(yet), I guess I will reply "because God is still preparing me and hasn't shown him to me............(yet)"

oh yeah!

Note: This entry was written way back in 2004 during those hormone-raging days of 18. I re-edited some parts but kept the teen-angst essence in it! Just thought I'd post something you might enjoy reading :)