decisions decisions decisions

Am I meant to stay in sg for the long run?
Or does He want me to do my houseman-ship years in Glasgow?

These questions have been clouding my mind of late endlessly. Triggered on by recent events while I was in sg. I miss the warmth, the familiarity of my family relatives and pals I grew up with, the "kiasu" environment where everyone is so driven and the mutual feeling is well understood. I mean which other country can you find students (from high school to university) clustered in groups studying away in fast food outlets or coffee cafes like its a norm? Or find good food at cheap prices 24/7 whenever hunger pangs strike in the middle of the night? The list doesn't just end there. Honestly, as atypical as a Singaporean I can be, nothing beats Home.

Being away in a foreign country has taught me to appreciate my roots, my beginnings. I've made friends from different countries, london, glasgow, malaysia, thailand, vietnam, korea etc. Its quite a list, I must admit! :P Different faces different places. I still keep in touch with some of them. These friends come and go. There are only a real few that I make an effort to keep in touch with, knowing that the friendship will last beyond a few friendly exchanges. But only two things have been constant throughout the whole picture.

God.
And my family

And even though there at times when I feel almost alienated from either, these two things remain unchanged.

I'm not regretting the fact that I've been blessed with a much coveted opportunity to study abroad. But having been away from home these years, I've realized how easily relationships can crumble when you're not there for the people who needed you then the most.

And so here lies my indecision.
Whether God wants me to spend more time in Singapore so that I can rebuild these existing relationships. Or whether I'm meant to pursue the full length of my medical training overseas, much as I love being away from the constraints of being watched over, having all the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I like.

If home is to be, it would mean leaving my comfortable nest in Glasgow. The church ministry and its people, my cell group, my flat-mates, my quirky flat....the brownie points that have made my overseas experience so memorable.
And having to re-adjust to the local system (I heard the internship year in sg is damn tough and grueling!), fitting in amongst the locals who already have their own seasoned cliques, picking up the local dialects and Malay, finding another church in sg to be committed to.

If I should remain in Glasgow (or somewhere else in UK?), then it would mean that I would be able to see my family less and less as we eventually grow up as kids and define our careers. Tolerating the shit weather and beating the depression blues without mom's support. Eating crap food whenever I feel too lazy to cook a decent chinese meal. Coming home to a flat alone after a hard days work at some foreign hospital.

Change is hard. And inevitable.

I don't know why I've been contemplating over these issues so much lately. Maybe its because I just heard some Joseph Prince's sermon today. It kinda triggered me to think more about the deeper things in life. More than being miss popular social butterfly who gets invited to the hottest gigs with her gang of pretty friends, miss intelligent and diligent wannabe who excels in her work or studies, miss sporty and athletically-fit who runs marathons and does ballet, miss hot and gorgeous whom all the guys flock after, miss multi-talented who dabbles in fine arts and music, miss charity who does a good cause by volunteering time at the orphanages.......all these perfectionistic ideals and ambitions that our society gives credit for. Everyone wants to be good-looking and sought-after, smart and intelligent, talented and gifted, rich and loaded, famous and reputable, gracious and charitable, fit and slim. The question is, can these things actually fill up the emptiness on the inside? Will living a life striving to achieve all of the above ideals be sufficient enough to define your limited time on this earth? So when the afterlife eventually comes, where are you gonna go from here? Whats your plan B then?

I've reached another point in life where no matter how hard I try to be well-balanced and organized ie. splitting up my time for each aspect of my life, nothing ever seems enough. It always: I'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not diligent enough, not fit enough, not talented enough, not gracious enough, not slim enough...so when will I ever be good enough?

The truth is that I will never be good enough in eyes of this world. No one is even close to achieving self-perfection. Someone has shown that to me very clearly when I broke down before my 3rd year exams. I'd rather rely on something Perfect than try to be Miss Perfect myself. And this perfection I boast of is constant. Almighty. Reliable. Unseen to the naked eye. The Rock I depend on. The only reason that keeps me level-headed and sane. Not even any of the other kind of therapies I may turn to eg. blogging reading running shopping eating lazing sleeping come close to its effectiveness in restoring my sense of purpose in this life.

I ain't perfect, and I will never be. But least I'm good enough to be loved by my parents, relatives and friends. And most importantly, the perfect One. All this, in spite of my shortcomings, flaws and weaknesses.

PS: I apologize if I lost you in the middle of this mumble jumble. This entry came from the heart. Spontaneously.