What ifs

I headed down to the rink for a skate just yesterday after I ending work earlier than usual (7pm). I made a bet with my Mom that it would be empty, because it was a Friday night. In a seemingly normal world, it would be sensible for any person to wind down a busy week by heading down to the cinema to watch a film, dine at a fancy restaurant, or eat takeaway in their pjs on a Friday night.

Sadly I was proven wrong.
The rink was packed with small sized kids and teenagers whizzing around 4 corners, jumping spinning and ocassionally chattering away in between practices. These kids were intense. Blitzing away as if they were training for some upcoming regional competition or something. Much to say, I spent a large bulk of my time straddled in a corner, eyeing the upcoming Ice princesses and Ice princes who were landing jumps effortlessly without breaking out into sweat.

Did they have much of a life outside skating? I reckoned probably not.
Still, I had to admit that I respected their discipline and perserverance for training so hard at their young age. It made me reminisce of the old days when I was (somehow, believe it or not) like that too.

This also applies to much of a non-existent social life that lies beyond the corridors of the wards where I'm currently posted to. Most of my colleagues and peers have earned my admiration for their hard work and dedication. The hours I've witnessed my senior Registrars and Professors put in, staying back after theatre and clinics to do their exit rounds, seeing that each patient remains physically stable before they depart from the doors of the hospital makes me wonder if I could ever be as dedicated as them. Just this past week, we had alot of sickies (unstable patients) that almost collapsed on us. The whole team practically stayed on to make sure these patients were stable and left around 9pm each day.

So it didn'nt matter whether it was skating or medicine. I was reminded again that

You needed to work hard, train hard if you want any results.

More dedication often means sacrificing more time. At the expense of some relationships, some hobbies, some material pleasures and indulgences one could choose to enjoy, in order to climb the ladder of success and achieve any worldly sense of merit or recognition.

I wondered what Life would be like if I had picked a different route 4 months ago.
If I had picked a less demanding job that gave me more time to pursue my hobbies, granted me more flexibility with my time to hang out with old friends, meet new people and perhaps serve in church more.

I wondered about the possibilities of pursuing Travelling and Journalism. Of diving in the beautiful ocean reefs around the world before they get destroyed by mankind. Of pursuing skating and latin ballroom dancing to a more competitive level. Of writing and publishing my first novel/book. Of meeting Mr Right, whos definetely out there, somewhere, beyond the grounds of the hospital.

Its hard when the meet new people when the the new people I really meet on a daily basis are mostly old and sick patients in need of surgery, drugs and TLC. Its also hard, that on top of the daily long working hours, unpredictable emergencies, and 7 calls a month schedule, I have to sit down and study for never-ending professional exams. Its a tough life really, and sometimes I ocasionally pause and wonder if I'm seriously that passionate enough to commit the next few years of my life to the demands and constraints of this profession.

So after spending the past few weeks grappling these ''What-if''s, I told my fickle mind to stop screwing around and stop ''What-if''-fing.

Thats right.

Screw What-ifs. These unseemingly self-indulgent questions just make you confused, disillusioned, not focussed and depressed.

I made a resolution on 2009 New Years Eve to give be more proactive and take things at a go and see what happens. That way I'll use every opportunity Life throws at me to the fullest and possibly hear less of ''what-if'''s.

Whats the harm in taking a plunge every once in a while ;) ?